It’s hard to watch someone you care about change, and even harder when you start to wonder if alcohol might be part of the problem. Maybe they’ve been drinking more often, acting differently, or pulling away from people who used to matter.
You might feel unsure whether it’s serious enough to call it alcoholism, or worried about what would happen if you brought it up.
This post is here to help you understand and asses what you’re seeing. You’ll learn what alcohol use disorder can look like in a friend, how to spot the red flags, and what to do if your concern turns out to be valid.
What Is Alcoholism?
What qualifies someone as an alcoholic — more formally, having alcohol use disorder (AUD) — isn’t about how much or how often they drink. It’s about whether their drinking is causing problems in their life and whether they can control it.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines 11 criteria for diagnosing AUD. A person qualifies if they meet at least two of these within a 12-month period:
- Drinking more or longer than intended
- Wanting to cut down or stop but not being able to
- Spending a lot of time drinking or recovering from it
- Having strong cravings or urges to drink
- Struggling with responsibilities at work, school, or home because of drinking
- Continuing to drink even when it causes problems in relationships
- Giving up or cutting back on important activities to drink
- Drinking in risky situations (like driving or mixing with medication)
- Drinking even when it worsens physical or mental health
- Needing more alcohol to feel the same effect (tolerance)
- Having withdrawal symptoms when not drinking
Severity is based on how many symptoms apply:
- Mild: 2–3
- Moderate: 4–5
- Severe: 6 or more
What That Looks Like in Real Life
Someone can meet the criteria for alcoholism even if they:
- Still go to work or school
- Don’t drink every day
- Rarely get blackout drunk
The most important questions are:
- Is alcohol interfering with their health, relationships, or responsibilities?
- Do they want to cut back but can’t?
Note: Only a licensed professional can diagnose AUD, but spotting these patterns is often enough to know someone needs help—even if things haven’t hit rock bottom.
Signs of Alcoholism in a Friend
Understanding the clinical definition of alcoholism is helpful—but when you’re worried about a friend, you’re probably looking for the outward signs. These are the visible shifts in behavior, appearance, or routine that suggest alcohol may be becoming a serious issue.
Here are some common red flags that can help you answer the question: Should I be worried?
They’re Drinking More Often—or at Odd Times
One of the most noticeable signs is a shift in how often and when someone drinks. What used to be a weekend habit may start showing up on weeknights, during the day, or in situations where alcohol doesn’t usually belong.
This might look like:
- Drinking before work or school
- Bringing alcohol to casual hangouts where no one else is drinking
- Needing a drink to “take the edge off” even on normal days
- Getting defensive or joking too much when asked about their drinking
They’re Skipping Responsibilities
As alcohol takes up more space in someone’s life, other priorities start slipping through the cracks. They might begin missing work, neglecting school, or brushing off important tasks.
This might look like:
- Calling in sick frequently after drinking
- Missing deadlines, appointments, or family obligations
- Showing up late or unprepared to important events
- Blaming others for problems caused by their drinking
Their Personality Starts to Change
Alcohol can affect mood, energy, and behavior—even when someone isn’t actively drinking. If your friend feels harder to reach, more reactive, or generally “off,” it may be more than just a rough patch.
This might look like:
- Becoming irritable, withdrawn, or overly defensive
- Snapping at friends or seeming emotionally unpredictable
- Being secretive about where they’ve been or who they were with
- Making excuses or shifting blame when concerns are brought up
You Notice Physical Signs
Alcohol takes a toll on the body, and over time, those effects become more visible. These changes are often easier to spot during everyday interactions.
This might look like:
- Frequent hangovers or looking unwell
- Sluggishness, shakiness, or low energy
- Declining personal hygiene or grooming
- Redness in the face, bloodshot eyes, or noticeable weight changes
Their Social Life Starts to Shift
People struggling with alcohol may begin to isolate—or, on the flip side, seek out others who drink heavily to avoid judgment. Either way, their social habits start to change.
This might look like:
- Pulling away from longtime friends or family
- Avoiding social events where drinking isn’t involved
- Hanging out more with people who drink the same way
- Conflicts, breakups, or strained relationships due to their behavior
How to Talk to a Friend About Their Drinking
Bringing up a friend’s drinking can feel uncomfortable. You might worry about damaging the friendship, upsetting them, or saying the wrong thing.
But if their alcohol use is affecting their health, relationships, or well-being, saying something could be the start of real change.
You don’t need to have all the answers or host a formal intervention; you just need to speak from a place of care and concern. Here are some ways to make the conversation more respectful, productive, and supportive.
Choose the Right Time
Try to talk when your friend is sober, calm, and not distracted. Avoid bringing it up during a conflict or while they’re drinking — it’s unlikely to go well.
Helpful tips:
- Pick a quiet, private setting where you won’t be interrupted
- Let them know ahead of time that you’d like to talk
- Be patient if they’re defensive at first
Lead With What You’ve Noticed
Focus on specific things you’ve observed, rather than labeling them or using words like “alcoholic.” This helps them feel less judged and more open to hearing you out.
Example phrases:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really down lately, and I’m worried it might be connected to your drinking.”
- “You missed a few shifts at work this month, and it seems like alcohol might be part of it. Can we talk about that?”
- “I care about you and I’m here no matter what—but I’m starting to get concerned.”
Avoid Blame or Ultimatums
Even if you’re frustrated or scared, keep the tone supportive. The goal is to open the door for an honest conversation—not push them into a corner.
Try to:
- Ask open-ended questions instead of making accusations
- Acknowledge that it’s not easy to talk about
- Remind them that you’re coming from a place of care, not judgment
Offer Support, Not Solutions
You don’t have to fix the problem for them—but offering to be there as they figure out next steps can go a long way.
Ways to show support:
- “If you ever want help finding a counselor or a support group, I’ll help you look.”
- “If you’re thinking about cutting back, I’ll be here to cheer you on.”
- “If you ever want to talk about this again, I’m all ears—no pressure.”
What to Do If They Don’t Want Help
It’s painful to watch someone you care about continue to struggle, especially after you’ve opened up and offered support. But the truth is, not everyone is ready to make a change right away. That doesn’t mean your concern didn’t matter. It means their journey might take more time.
You can’t force someone to get help. But you can protect your peace, hold healthy boundaries, and stay connected in ways that keep the door open.
Set Clear, Compassionate Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about punishment. They’re about protecting your own well-being and not enabling the person addicted, while keeping the relationship safe and respectful.
That might mean:
- Choosing not to be around them when they’re drinking
- Letting them know you won’t make excuses for their behavior
- Saying no to lending money or bailing them out of situations tied to drinking
Boundaries only work when they’re consistent. It’s okay to be kind and firm at the same time.
Loop in Someone They Trust, If Needed
If you’re deeply concerned—especially about their safety—it may help to talk to someone else in their life who can offer support. This could be a parent, sibling, partner, or close family member.
You don’t need to go behind their back or make it feel like an ambush. But if their drinking is escalating, and you’re the only one who knows, it’s okay to ask for backup.
Before you reach out:
- Make sure your intention is truly about support, not control or frustration
- Try to choose someone who already has a caring relationship with them
- Be honest but respectful—stick to facts and your own observations
Sometimes, a wider circle of support can help someone feel less alone—and more ready to take that first step toward help.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Even if they push back at first, your words may stick with them. Stay calm, check in occasionally, and let them know you’re still there if they ever want help.
Try saying:
- “I care about you, and I’m here when you’re ready.”
- “I know this conversation was hard, but I said it because I care.”
- “Whenever you decide to talk more about it, I’m still someone you can come to.”
Take Care of Yourself Too
Supporting someone with a drinking problem can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. You’re allowed to step back when you need to. That doesn’t make you a bad friend—it means you’re human.
You might benefit from:
- Talking to a therapist or support group (like Al-Anon)
- Journaling or setting time aside to process your feelings
- Getting advice from professionals about how to best navigate the situation
Start the Conversation—We’ll Help with the Rest
You don’t have to convince your friend to go to treatment or figure it all out on your own. Just showing up, asking questions, and offering support can plant a seed that grows into something life-changing.
If you’re not sure what to say next or what options are available, we’re here to help. Our team can help you understand the signs and discuss potential next steps, including but not limited to alcohol addiction treatment.
Contact us anytime for guidance, answers, or encouragement. Even one conversation can make a difference.